I think this Supreme Court decision allowing direct political spending by corporations will finally bring some order to our outdated and inefficient electoral process. And heck, since corporations now have the same rights as individuals, let’s streamline the darn process and allow them to hold political office. Then we’ll always be certain that the results were in our best interest because the market will have spoken and the market always speaks for the people.
So you know how the ice caps are melting and polar bears are losing their habitat? Well apparently the motherfuckers are not pleased. Especially the giant electric bears, who, if I’m interpreting this polar jihad video correctly, have been logging hours in flight simulators in preparation for a preemptive nuke job on Earth from outer space.
I didn’t really care for A History of Violence but its screenwriter certainly deserves an Oscar for this column.
Schwartz on schwartz crime. So I guess since Obama is Hitler that he must have given the order to paint the swastika on the sign for the offices of African-American Congressman David Scott. Wait, a second… if blacks can be Nazis and also be hated by Nazis have we achieved racial harmony?
Josh Homme, American poet.
Click on the audio link above to hear an instant classic from the Walt Fuckin’ Whitman of rock.
If you’ve ever wanted to holiday in Bristol but always came up with a better place to spend your time naughty boy street artist Banksy and the Bristol Museum might just get you to reconsider.
CHUCK FUGGER GETS BUGGERED AT NAME OF THE YEAR
Name of the Year is the second best blog on the planet but the short-sighted patrons have made a terrible mistake by voting Iris Macadangdang into the Final Four over Chuck Fugger (aka The People’s Champ).
Choosing a ho-hum Suessian rhymer like Iris Macadangdang over a Chuck Fugger is like drafting a Sam Bowie over a Michael Jordan. In time, when I-what? Maca-whowho? is a faded memory and Chuck Fugger is still bouncing around in your head at odd and inappropriate moments like the hall of fame name he will eventually be, you will realize what a terrible mistake you’ve made.
The reason?
Chuck Fugger is much more than just a vaguely filthy, extremely catchy name. Chuck Fugger is a first rate euphemism waiting for assignment. It’s Dirty Sanchez before Sanchez did that thing that made him famously dirty.
What will a Chuck Fugger be? No one knows yet. But I’m thinking maybe it could be a moron filled with regret for choosing a stinker over a champion.
“Keep one in the car to mop up any excess semen or vaginal fluids from your date with a hooker. That crazy bitch bites you and won’t let go? Look at this. It staunches a bleeding tongue and still has room to sop up the mess from her facial lacerations.”
I think the category “Faulkner References” is the one that surprised me most.
Best Forgotten Films of 2008, Part One
Not to be confused with a list of Best, Forgotten Films of 2008 which feature the fine movies that may have slipped through the cracks this past year. No, sir. Best Forgotten Films of 2008 is a list of the movies that are best wiped completely from memory as quickly as possible. These are not necessarily the worst made movies of the year. Or the biggest disappointments. These are the movies that made me a little dumber, a little more jaded or in general a little worse off for seeing them.
1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
It’s one thing to insult your audience, but when 85% of that audience is only there out of a mix of resigned obligation and nostalgic compulsion, it’s basically extortion. Message to Steve, George and Harry: Hollywood zillionaires are only allowed to team up and guilt people into giving money if that cash is for motherfucking charity.
2. Pineapple Express
I don’t want to see any more actor/comedian buddies having a fucking blast making movies together unless those movies deliver some top level goddamn hilarity, okay? It’s bad enough that I paid to sit through a half-assed, self-indulgent home video that you got paid lots of money to fuck around making. You don’t have to make make me feel like an asshole because I wasn’t there on set where the shit was really hilarious.
Listen up, all you Apatowian joke slingers (and for that matter all you Ferrellians, Carellians, Stillernauts and Sandlerites): it’s not Job #1 to have a fucking blast making your movies, okay? Job #1 is to make sure I have a fucking blast watching your movies.
It’s not that I’m a hater, fellas. I mean, if you somehow, miraculously manage to enjoy yourself while pulling down a huge paycheck and having your ass kissed by everyone while making a movie that is worth my precious time and hard earned money then kudos, motherfucker. But if you’re going to mail in some misguided, unfunny shit at least have the courtesy of being miserable or self-destructive while you’re doing it. At least then we’re in misery together.
It’s not that I don’t think you have talent. I do. And that’s why I expect you to deliver something more amusing than a Chris Kattan star vehicle. Don’t make me wish you Belushied before your last few movies so I could preserve the memory of your once formidable comic talents.
Coming soon:
Vantage Point
Revolutionary Road
The Tale of Despereaux
Leatherheads
This 1930s German lad got off easy. The rest of his illustrated family burned to death when his convulsing body knocked down the tree and its decorative candles set the apartment ablaze. Ho, ho, ho-MEIN GOTT!!!! ACHHHHH!!!!!!
From 30 Ways to Shock Yourself (via bre pettis)
