BORRACHO

We’re f*cked ‘08.  Seriously, this ticket all but guarantees McCain is elected— the cable news networks, tabloids and trailer parks of America will make certain of it.  

But John McCain’s swearing in won’t be the end of the nightmare.  Oh no, my friends.  That will only be the beginning. First, President McCain will die in office.  Then, a binge eating and insomnia-wracked Vice President Palin, under the intense spotlight of the international media, will overdose on a toxic combination of Ambien and undercooked mooseburger before even being sworn in.

In a desperate effort to keep the White House from falling into Democratic hands, the GOP will have delay the transfer of power to Speaker Pelosi by suggesting she’s a Muslim-lesbian during which time they will arrange the legal marriage of Cindy McCain to Todd Palin.  Mrs. McCain-Palin will then announce  a legal challenge to Speaker Pelosi’s rights of succession claiming there’s a clause in her late husband’s will (written by John Yoo) that Constitutionally guarantees her a four-year term as First Lady, thus conferring the office of President of the United States to her new husband.

The ensuing hilariously pathetic legal battle will captivate the world like a YouTube video of a fat kid with a lightsaber and in the end the Supreme Court will side with the GOP, further shaming a once proud nation by, among other things, inaugurating a world leader named Todd.

Top 5 Future Lingerie Trends:

1. Nano thong.
   
2. Wireless underwire bra.
3. Bio-bustier.
   
4. Lithium-polymer peek-a-boo.
5. Photon torpedo sling.
   

Shonuff was the Truth.  Julius Carry, who starred in two of the greatest B-movies of all time, has passed away.  

As Shonuff in Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon, Carry introduced millions of sheltered white kids like me to the then-shocking phrase “Nigga, please.”  As Jamal Truth in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh he was my first introduction to the Nation of Islam, who I would assume were a fraternity of slam dunking Arabians— possibly from the University of Houston— until going to college and seeing a few Spike Lee joints.  

Carry, 56, a prolific character actor, died of pancreatic cancer. 

NEWSPAPER BLACKOUT POEMS by Austin Kleon

Additional items that should be thawed prior to purchase:

1. Yeti semen.
2. Noah’s Ark boat registration.
3. Loch Ness Hot Pocket. 
4. Jesus’ lift ticket from Last Supper long weekend snowboarding trip. 

Some overused Beijing Olympic Village pick up lines:

• “My world class breaststroke gets me mistaken for Michael Phelps a lot.”
  
•  ”I’d turn my elbow inside out for your phone number.”
  
• “Have you ever been inside Bela Karolyi’s mustache?”
  
• “You’re very beautiful.  Have you ever done any beach volleyballing?”
  
• “So I was thinking that since you’re no longer getting your menstrual cycle and I don’t want to father a Bulgarian baby…”
  
• “Congratulations.  You’ve qualified for the semi-final heat in my pants.”
  

Sun Tzu’s Tactical “Don’t” of the Week: Don’t get into a ground war with Russia if your president looks like the nude organist from Monty Python.  (Not even when your allies promise to send holy hand grenades.)

Keep an eye out for the “I Believe in Mayor McCheese.” campaign buttons.

via www.slashfilm.com