BORRACHO

I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:48:05 -0700

I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script: I didn’t really care for A History of Violence but its...

The inclusion of Ira Glass takes it from funny to classic.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 10:13:51 -0700

The inclusion of Ira Glass takes it from funny to classic.

Schwartz on schwartz crime. So I guess since Obama is Hitler...

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 11:12:44 -0700

Schwartz on schwartz crime. So I guess since Obama is Hitler that he must have given the order to paint the swastika on the sign for the offices of African-American Congressman David Scott. Wait, a second… if blacks can be Nazis and also be hated by Nazis have we achieved racial harmony?

Josh Homme, American poet. Click on the audio link above to...

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 10:37:00 -0700

Josh Homme, American poet.

Click on the audio link above to hear an instant classic from the Walt Fuckin’ Whitman of rock.

If you’ve ever wanted to holiday in Bristol but always...

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:33:49 -0700

If you’ve ever wanted to holiday in Bristol but always came up with a better place to spend your time naughty boy street artist Banksy and the Bristol Museum might just get you to reconsider.

CHUCK FUGGER GETS BUGGERED AT NAME OF THE YEAR Name of the Year...

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:06:00 -0700

CHUCK FUGGER GETS BUGGERED AT NAME OF THE YEAR

Name of the Year is the second best blog on the planet but the short-sighted patrons have made a terrible mistake by voting Iris Macadangdang into the Final Four over Chuck Fugger (aka The People’s Champ).

Choosing a ho-hum Suessian rhymer like Iris Macadangdang over a Chuck Fugger is like drafting a Sam Bowie over a Michael Jordan. In time, when I-what? Maca-whowho? is a faded memory and Chuck Fugger is still bouncing around in your head at odd and inappropriate moments like the hall of fame name he will eventually be, you will realize what a terrible mistake you’ve made.

The reason?

Chuck Fugger is much more than just a vaguely filthy, extremely catchy name. Chuck Fugger is a first rate euphemism waiting for assignment. It’s Dirty Sanchez before Sanchez did that thing that made him famously dirty.

What will a Chuck Fugger be? No one knows yet. But I’m thinking maybe it could be a moron filled with regret for choosing a stinker over a champion.

“Keep one in the car to mop up any excess semen or vaginal...

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 07:48:00 -0700

“Keep one in the car to mop up any excess semen or vaginal fluids from your date with a hooker. That crazy bitch bites you and won’t let go? Look at this. It staunches a bleeding tongue and still has room to sop up the mess from her facial lacerations.”

How many years has the NY Post had this news item prepped and ready to go?

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 07:47:45 -0800

It’s like the Keith Richards obituary of Page Six items.

I think the category “Faulkner References” is the...

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 14:41:54 -0800

I think the category “Faulkner References” is the one that surprised me most.

HEEEYHEEEYYYYAAAH!

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:08:04 -0800

HEEEYHEEEYYYYAAAH!

Best Forgotten Films of 2008, Part One Not to be confused with a...

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 18:42:00 -0800

Best Forgotten Films of 2008, Part One

Not to be confused with a list of Best, Forgotten Films of 2008 which feature the fine movies that may have slipped through the cracks this past year. No, sir. Best Forgotten Films of 2008 is a list of the movies that are best wiped completely from memory as quickly as possible. These are not necessarily the worst made movies of the year. Or the biggest disappointments. These are the movies that made me a little dumber, a little more jaded or in general a little worse off for seeing them.

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

It’s one thing to insult your audience, but when 85% of that audience is only there out of a mix of resigned obligation and nostalgic compulsion, it’s basically extortion. Message to Steve, George and Harry: Hollywood zillionaires are only allowed to team up and guilt people into giving money if that cash is for motherfucking charity.

2. Pineapple Express

I don’t want to see any more actor/comedian buddies having a fucking blast making movies together unless those movies deliver some top level goddamn hilarity, okay? It’s bad enough that I paid to sit through a half-assed, self-indulgent home video that you got paid lots of money to fuck around making. You don’t have to make make me feel like an asshole because I wasn’t there on set where the shit was really hilarious.

Listen up, all you Apatowian joke slingers (and for that matter all you Ferrellians, Carellians, Stillernauts and Sandlerites): it’s not Job #1 to have a fucking blast making your movies, okay? Job #1 is to make sure I have a fucking blast watching your movies.

It’s not that I’m a hater, fellas. I mean, if you somehow, miraculously manage to enjoy yourself while pulling down a huge paycheck and having your ass kissed by everyone while making a movie that is worth my precious time and hard earned money then kudos, motherfucker. But if you’re going to mail in some misguided, unfunny shit at least have the courtesy of being miserable or self-destructive while you’re doing it. At least then we’re in misery together.

It’s not that I don’t think you have talent. I do. And that’s why I expect you to deliver something more amusing than a Chris Kattan star vehicle. Don’t make me wish you Belushied before your last few movies so I could preserve the memory of your once formidable comic talents.

Coming soon:

Vantage Point
Revolutionary Road
The Tale of Despereaux
Leatherheads

This 1930s German lad got off easy. The rest of his illustrated...

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 12:01:44 -0800

This 1930s German lad got off easy. The rest of his illustrated family burned to death when his convulsing body knocked down the tree and its decorative candles set the apartment ablaze. Ho, ho, ho-MEIN GOTT!!!! ACHHHHH!!!!!!

From 30 Ways to Shock Yourself (via bre pettis)

Fun Fact: The smallest ones have the tenderest meat.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 08:05:33 -0800

Fun Fact: The smallest ones have the tenderest meat.

Idiocracy to remain a movie.

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 07:47:00 -0800

Idiocracy to remain a movie.

A German Comedy Award? Yeah, terribly sorry but Mr. Pegg is...

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 18:29:36 -0700

A German Comedy Award? Yeah, terribly sorry but Mr. Pegg is filming that week. Yeah. In space. So…

BERLIN — Til Schweiger’s romantic comedy hit “Rabbit Without Ears” has won the best film prize while the Simon Pegg starrer “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People” took home the trophy for best international comedy at the 2008 German Comedy Awards.

“The black guy always has all the answers.”

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 13:54:45 -0700

“The black guy always has all the answers.”

Make your own McCain poster.

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 09:37:21 -0700

Make your own McCain poster.

Photo

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 09:31:00 -0700

Photo

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 09:30:00 -0700

Photo

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 09:29:00 -0700